But Am I Searching

It is still astounding to me how high and low my emotions can get in the matter of minutes regarding my kids. There are times when I am so overwhelmed with love and joy that I feel like I could pop. Then there are also times when I get so frustrated that I want to slam my head into the wall. (You probably think I am over exaggerating about wanting to slam my head into the wall. I assure you, I am not.) My child induced emotional highs and lows came to a head the other day in what I consider now to be a funny situation. However, in the moment, "funny" would have been the last word I used to describe it.
  So here are the things that happened. In order:
1- Terrible nights sleep. Owen was like a baby vampire who wanted to eat non-stop
2- Olive woke up on the wrong side of the bed. And by wrong side, I mean, continents away. Galaxies away.... She was ANGRY! She literally screamed non stop, all morning.
3- Ava decided that she would begin her quest of self awareness and all together stop listening to anything and everything I said.
4- My kitchen smelled awful and I could not figure out why. (It turned out to be a rotting Pear that was in the fruit bowl on the counter. YUCK!)
5- We had a weird swarm of tiny little flying beetle bugs that were covering the side of our house and shed.
Here's where it all went down hill... Olive's screams wore me down and Ava's bad listening made me angry. So, when one of the tiny little fly bugs ended up inside I wanted to take my anger out on them. I went outside without a plan, but convinced I could get rid of them by some act of will. As I stomped my feet out the side door and over toward the cluster of them a carpenter bee dove bombed for my face!!!
** Now friends, let me inform you of the terror that is a Carpenter Bee. They are GIANT black bees that fly in an erratic pattern searching for flowers. Meaning, they fly around like maniacs and dive for my head. I hate them. They are awful, and every time I see one I either scream or run.**

After the bee dove for my head I ran inside and broke down. All out ugly mom cry. Olive continued to scream, Ava kept asking me questions, and poor Daniel was so confused. In that moment when I wanted to bang my head into the wall I asked Ava to sing Jesus Loves Me. I don't know why. I just did. After she finished I started singing this song. " Lord you have my heart. And I will search for yours..." There was something that happened to my spirit when I sang Praises to God. It calmed me.
  It wasn't until later that I realized the significance of the song I sang. Those words that I unknowingly professed... God has my heart, and I need to be searching for His. Because when I do, like in that crazy moment of anger, He can do miraculous things. It may seem silly to you that just singing a song can change your whole day, but let me tell you, it isn't silly at all. It is amazing. I wasn't trying to have a deep devotional time with God, or even meet with Him at all. I was just trying to control my temper and keep my heart in check. He met me where I was and used the circumstances of my day to teach me something. Even the smallest gesture, if I reach out for God, He meets me there.

Grace & Peace

I Just Want To Be With You

Mothers Day.
As a child, it was a day when Dad was in charge. He planned the day's events, bought the cards for us to sign, and directed us in our tasks to show my Mom how wonderful she was. It is a fond memory. Looking back on those days makes my heart smile. Knowing what I do now, I understand my Dad's deep desire to show his wife how marvelous she was. How hard she worked. How unconditionally she loved. And for a kid, we just thought it was a day to give our mom and extra hug and eat BBQ for dinner. Do I think I undervalued my mom on Mothers Day as a child? Yes. Do I think it mattered to her? No. Because of one thing. There was always one thing she wanted. The same every year, without fail. The days leading up to Mothers Day when we would ask my Mom what she wanted she would respond in a quiet and sweet voice, "I just want to be with you." As a kid, that was the best answer ever. I always feared she would ask for something HUGE. Like cleaning my room. (My room was referred to as the Black Hole. Once something went in there, it was rarely seen again.) Now, being a Mom to three little humans I understand her simple request.
   I was reminiscing this morning about my first Mothers Day. May 10th, 2009. One week before my due date with Ava. I spent the day with Daniel preparing for the arrival of our precious girl. Fast forward four years and I now have 3 children who call me Mom. Three little loves that I nurtured in my belly and now they are here. Living, breathing, tiny humans. When I think about Mothers Day and what I want to do, I think about wanting to spend time with my children. It is because of them that I get to be celebrated on this day. It is because of them that I get to experience things like laughing so hard someone shoots milk out of their nose. It is because of them that I get to experience the joy of giving birth. It is because of them that I get to experience the wonderment of learning something new. It is because of them that I get to Mother.

   So here I am years later asking for the same thing my Mom always did. I am sure that in years to come that will still be my answer. And when my children have grown and gone their own ways and I think back on my past I will remember moments like these, when all I wanted was to spend time together. To let life slow down for a while and enjoy my family. And no matter how old they get or where their lives take them, when they ask me what I want for Mothers Day I will quietly and sweetly say, "I just want to be with you."

Grace & Peace

   

 

Learning to love my Veggies

So here's the thing, I know God uses whatever you're going through to teach you things. However, I find that fact to be even more prevalent through parenting. Maybe it's just because my job as a Momma is to encourage  love, correct, guide, support, and teach my children how to Love God and Love each other.

This evening we had another interaction with our very smart and quite emotional 3 year old. Over the past year as her vocabulary has expanded so rapidly, so has her ability to vocalize how much she doesn't like the food I make for dinner. Let me assure you, I am not exaggerating when I say that 6 out of 7 nights when dinner hits the table I hear opposition from Ava. It doesn't matter what I say or how I compare the food to some other person or animal that loves to eat it, she is adamantly against consuming it. I wish I could just explain to her how important having a good diet is. So this evening when she started complaining about eating her potatoes and veggies I wanted to just throw my hands up and give in. It is exhausting having to battle my child on the same issue 3 times a day. Luckily for me Daniel was there to handle it and talk with her, and I just took a deep breath. Fifteen minutes later as she is still sitting at the table taking mice bites of her veggies I had a thought:

I wonder how God feels when we continually try to do something that is against his will for us or is blatantly bad for us. Is he sitting next to us at the hypothetical dinner table,  coaxing us to eat our "vegetables"? 

Bam! Jesus punch to the face! I can't even tell you how many times I'll do something with my own thought process and logic and I am faced with a ton of opposition, ultimately leading to me going to God with a repentant heart for not doing it in the way He would have me to. He is my Father. He knows whats best for me. Unlike me, He never throws His hands up and walks away shaking His head. God is always patient. He loves me with a supernatural love that is interwoven with divine wisdom. I could gain a lot by modeling the way I parent after how He parents me.

Grace & Peace

A Sick Girl and a Tired Mama

What a week it has been... Oh my goodness. We woke up Monday morning to a VERY sick Olive Grace. She had thrown up everywhere. So sad. And so gross. The rest of the day was spent cuddling, sleeping, crying, but luckily no more barfing. (hallelujah!) Our usually rambunctious girl was out of sorts and very sad. It is the worst thing in the world to have a sick baby! We thought it might be food poisoning, but there's no way to tell for sure.

She only wanted her Daddy, which made him feel Oh-So-Loved and by Monday evening when she went to bed we were all exhausted and heavy in prayer that whatever she had wouldn't spread to the rest of us. It's been a long week, and a slow recovery for our girl. She is still so tired and uninterested in her usual favorite activities. Ava has been a trooper. She was SO bored this week. We stayed home all week just to be sure no one else was sick and because we didn't want to possibly spread anything. Sharing is NOT caring in this circumstance. 

She got to meet the dog my brother is taking care of for 6 weeks for a friend. This girl is an animal lover! I can't remember the dogs name for the life of me, but Ava talks about it all the time. Mommy fail moment. Owen had a rough few days, maybe because things were crazy around here for a while. But I swear that little dude is getting cuter by the second!       

                                                

It was a LONG, emotional week for us. I am glad things have wound down and everyone else stayed healthy and Oli is on the mend. I had a conversation with Daniel at one point this week regarding some nostalgia I was feeling about how my relationship with God used to be. How it was when Daniel and I first met, when I was interning at our church and trying to figure out God independently. I was constantly learning new things and going deeper into the word. As of today, in my life now, with 3 kids, its victory to even find my Bible. Ava likes to carry it around and pretend its her "pretty book" while talking in a British accent. I can't complain, it's outrageously cute. But non the less, my spirit is thirsty for new life and fresh discovery of Gods word. Daniel listened intently to my thoughts and desires and encouraged me to fight for time whenever I could. But something hit me a few days later as I did find a spare moment to read the Word of God. Psalm 51:

As  I read through those verses something stuck to my heart that I thought about for the rest of the week... The thought of God not wanting sacrifice, but a spirit that is broken and needing to be put back together by Him. My relationship with God can not be limited to or categorized by the number of times in a week that I have deep devotional readings and exploration of the Word. And that's not what He wants from me. He wants me to be broken before him. Unable to carry the load of being a mother, especially in difficult times when kids are sick or needy. When I can't find the desire or strength to pick up another toy or clean another dish, lay my sad broken spirit at His feet. Let Him do with me what He pleases. Make me into the mother and wife, the daughter, the friend, He wants me to be. Lucky for me, I have a God that continually reminds me of his Love and Thoughtfulness for me. Thank you God for refreshing my soul with your insights. 

Grace & Peace

Owen Daniel

I would like to introduce you to my son,

Owen Daniel Horning.

Born on March 17, 2013 at 12:52am. He was 8lbs 8oz and 20.5" long. 

Owen is such a dream. He is a wonderful addition to our family. Ava & Olive are so in love with their new little brother, They run to his side whenever he cries and shower him with hugs and kisses all day long. My delivery of Owen was a whole new experience for me. Even though he is my third child, he is my first one to be delivered with no medication to induce labor. Both of the girls were induced and I had an epidural. I labored for 12 hours with Ava and for 6 With Olive. My prayer throughout this third pregnancy was that God would let me experience labor on my own and I wouldn't have to be induced. I wanted to know that my body could do it on its own. And here is how the story goes...

The two weeks leading up to Owen's birth were spent cleaning, organizing, gardening, cooking, and doing anything else that would keep me busy. As my due date began to creep closer my mind would wonder to places of defeat and frustration, I had already given into the idea that I was going to be induced. My hearts cry to God was that I would go into labor on my own and I would pray every day that He would let it happen. Every night when Daniel would rub my feet I would pour my heart out to him and try my hardest to better explain my desire. I felt silly wanting labor so badly. I knew that either way I would end up with a sweet new baby and that I would labor for hours whether with Pitocin or without. 

There was a particular verse that I would say in my mind whenever I would pray about it. " For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) I would meditate on that verse and try to remind myself that God knew exactly how he wanted Owen to come into this world. 

On Saturday March 16, (One week and one day before my due date) my parents came over to help us get some house projects done. Daniel built a fence in the front yard, my dad did some electrical work, I organized in the house, and my mom gardened. At one point in the early afternoon I went out front to see how everyone was doing and sat down on our walk way. As I talked with my mom I began weeding in between some of the Paver Stones lining our walk way. It was really awkward and uncomfortable to lean over my giant belly and get down to those weeds, and I remember looking up at my mom and sarcastically saying, "Well, if this doesn't put me into labor than nothing will!" Little did I know, I was only hours away from the beginnings of labor. 

As late afternoon came around and we had all showered and cleaned up from the days work I was beginning to notice that I was "cramping". They would come and go and were getting stronger each time. I thought it might be labor, so I quietly packed mine and Daniel's bag for the hospital. We went to my parents house for dinner at 5:30pm and I had a good friend who was visiting from out of town stop by to say Hi. As time went on at my parents and the "cramping" continued and intensified I began to wonder if I was indeed in labor. Around 6:30pm I was contracting every 10 minutes. I told my mom what I was feeling and asked if she thought I was in labor. Her response, "Maybe?" Gee, thanks Ma! I was hoping for a little more affirmation. But in the next 45 minutes sitting outside it was evident that the time had come! Daniel and I took our girls home and did their normal bedtime routine, with occasional breaks for me leaning against a wall or dresser trying to breath. We got the girls in bed and I began to gather last minute things and clean the house. Although, looking back I wasn't really cleaning, I was just carrying things around and setting them down somewhere else. My contractions were about 7 minutes apart and getting more intense. Even during contractions I was trying to talk myself out of labor. I was so worried that it was just a false alarm and my contractions would stop. I didn't want to get my hopes up. Around 9:15pm as I was laying down I had a contraction that made me realize it was "go time". I looked at Daniel and told him it was time to go. We excitedly scrambled to get stuff together, my parents came to stay with the girls, and off we went to have our son.

Once arriving at the hospital they took me to what they call the "Prove It" room, where they check to see if you're actually in labor. I was at 7cm. Go time!!!! They put in an IV and rushed me off to a labor and delivery room. After getting situated in our room and finishing all our paperwork around 10:30pm my nurse came in and asked if I wanted an epidural. And there it was, the million dollar question! I hadn't decided if I wanted one or not. I knew I wanted one if I had to be induced, but to my surprise I went into labor on my own. I turned to Daniel and asked him what I should do and he lovingly said that it was up to me. I looked at my nurse and told her I wanted to wait and see how far I could make it on my own.... Little did I know there was no turning back!

My contractions intensified quickly. In between contraction my nurse repeatedly complimented Daniel on his glorious beard and reminded me while in pain more than once that I had a hot husband... It was funny, but very true! By 11:15 I was doing the crazy lady moaning with each contraction. I remember looking up at Daniel and the nurse Jewel and apologizing for being one of those weird ladies you see in the birthing videos. They both laughed. By 12am I thought the world was going to end. My contractions were so intense and so close together I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. They lasted for over a minute but were only 45 seconds apart. It got real crazy real fast. In those last 52 minutes of labor, when I was at my weakest, in the most pain of my life, I leaned on Daniel for physical and emotional support. He was incredibly kind and reassuring in the moments when I felt like I couldn't go on. He reminded me that if I could just keep going I would get to hold my son. He was right, and it was so worth it. At 12:52am Owen Daniel was born. He was perfect. 

Daniel and I don't name our children until after they are born because we want to see them first. Naming our son was the most difficult of our three children, but so special for me. I knew I wanted him to have Daniel's name, because of how wonderful he was to me during my labor and delivery. 

Owen means "Well Born" and Daniel means "God is my judge".

I didn't plan on it and I don't know if I could do it again, but having a natural delivery was an incredible experience. Being that aware of what is going on is both excruciating and invigorating. Owen's birth story is unique and new to me and I wouldn't change it.

Grace & Peace

Benched Player

I started reading through Acts recently and in the first chapter something stuck out and I haven't been able to shake it. In Verse 12 it tells the story of finding a replacement for Judas. Verse 21 is where it gets interesting

I had to read it a few times to sink in. But what they are doing is looking for someone to replace Judas that has been with them the whole time. The WHOLE time. From the time John was baptised to the time Jesus ascended back into heaven. They ended up picking Matthias.... He was a benched player! Matthias was there the whole time, he saw all the miracles Jesus performed. He heard all of Jesus' teachings! But he was never one of "The 12". Then, after all that time of following Jesus and seeing all those signs and wonders Matthias gets called up into the Big Leagues!! He is one of "The 12"! So here is the thing, Matthias put in the work. He put in the time. The discipline of following someone he believed in without receiving anything in return! He went to every "practice" and sat on the bench handing the team water, hoping that there would be a time he could get in the game. Then his time came. He was ready to be called into the Big leagues because he put in the time needed before hand. 

Conviction hit. Lord, how often am I upset because I feel like I didn't get the recognition I deserved. Or how often do I feel entitled to something just because I have served in the past? God, fix my heart! Help me to learn that without spending time seeking you and preparing my heart I will never be ready to do big things for you! 

It's a scary thing to ask God to teach me something. I never know how that's going to play out... But I know God is showing me this because it is something he needs to teach me. So Lord, prepare my heart for the lesson you need to teach. Help me be ready to receive it and put it into action in my faith.


Grace & Peace

Thankful

This morning started out a bit crazy. Our girls are early risers. Like, 6am early risers. So today, when they slept in until 7:11am Daniel and I were both blessed and crazy confused. Up we went to greet the morning. Our Olive Grace wakes up every day asking for breakfast, she is ready to get down to business! Daniel made her three, yes I said three, scrambled eggs. (Girl can eat!) Ava then decided she was ready for breakfast, cereal and milk for her. Daniel made coffee. Thank you Lord! After Olive ate most of her eggs she asked for more, she wanted what sissy had. She ate a small bowl of cereal as well. All the while the clock is ticking, Daniel had 6 minutes until he needed to be at work and we haven't even poured our coffee yet. A perk to waking up early is that we don't have to hustle through our morning. We can enjoy each other, eating breakfast together, asking each other how we slept, but most importantly I share coffee with my Beloved. As Daniel ran to get dressed I poured his coffee into a to go cup and mine into my favorite mug. Kisses for all and off Daddy ran to work. Within the first 35 minutes of Daniel being at work I accumulated a pile of laundry larger then any basket could contain, a messy kitchen, a pile of cloth diapers that needed washing, an insane dog that was trying to eat his tail, and my sweet Olive had dumped my coffee all over the floor...

Needless to say, I felt defeated by today at 9am. But then, the Lord did something. He reminded me of something greater then coffee. More pressing than the pile of laundry needing to be folded. I am Blessed. I looked at my sweet girls and was overwhelmed by there beauty and joy. And my precious husband came home to give me his coffee. I didn't take it... because I love him more. ;) 

So today, even though we had a rough start, I am blessed and Thankful for the gorgeousness that is my life. My ridiculously handsome husband. And my precious daughters. Thanks Lord. 

Grace & Peace