Bad Idea

     

CONFESSION: I spent nap time Insta-Stalking other Moms. 

   What is "Insta-Stalking", you ask? Well, it means some how finding a friend of a friend of a friends, sisters, next door neighbors, hair dressers Instagram and looking through all their pictures. All the while, comparing your house, kids, style, workout routine, culinary abilities, and hair color with unknown Cyber moms. It's an awful thing to do my friends. Yet, I still do it... All the time. I usually walk away from my phone feeling super bummed at my lack of Super Mom-ness. Today was no excpetion. I stumbled upon this amazing mom with a gaggle of kids, a cute house, cool hair, athletic, and she loved Jesus. So what was I to do after feeling like an uber lame Mom? I know! Lets have a pedicure party! BAD IDEA. Why did I think painting nails would be a good idea on my 21 month old crazy Olive? She smudged her mint green toes on EVERYTHING, including my wet toes. Ava dropped stacking boxes on the only 3 toes Olive missed and I found myself more frazzled then I could bare. All the while Owen is sitting in his Bouncer like an angel, then I realized he was probably overwhelmed by the nail polish smell! So I scrambled to open every door and window in the house. But don't worry, it's only over 100 degrees outside. Sigh...

   I couldn't help but laugh. I did my best to fix our toes, but they're still a little funky. I was texting a good friend of mine today about how well put together the amazing Mom I found on Instagram was and how she seemed to have it all put together. Ya know what my friends response was..."Yea... lol. Doesn't everyone?" She is so right. I only ever post the BEST pictures of myself, when my house is sparkling clean, and my children are well behaved. I never post pictures of the other 90% of life when I am covered in Spit Up, chasing around Olive who is always half naked and yelling at the dog, while Ava explains to me her deep reasoning on wanting to be a grown up and not a kid. It's funny how filters on a photo editing social media site make me look better, huh? 

   So here's my confession: I am not Perfect. I get frustrated with my kids sometimes. My house is usually a mess. I haven't brushed my hair in 3 days. And the only fruit or veggie my kids have had in the past 4 days is oranges, because I haven't made it to the store in a week.

   So if there are any Mom's out there who feel like they aren't the perfect "Insta-Mom" all the time, it's ok, you're not alone. Try not to compare yourself, everyone has hard days. You're awesome, your kids are cute, you are in great shape, you look like an incredible cook, and you seem to be getting a full 8 hours of sleep every night! ;) Ok, the last one may be a stretch...

Grace & Peace 

A Sick Girl and a Tired Mama

What a week it has been... Oh my goodness. We woke up Monday morning to a VERY sick Olive Grace. She had thrown up everywhere. So sad. And so gross. The rest of the day was spent cuddling, sleeping, crying, but luckily no more barfing. (hallelujah!) Our usually rambunctious girl was out of sorts and very sad. It is the worst thing in the world to have a sick baby! We thought it might be food poisoning, but there's no way to tell for sure.

She only wanted her Daddy, which made him feel Oh-So-Loved and by Monday evening when she went to bed we were all exhausted and heavy in prayer that whatever she had wouldn't spread to the rest of us. It's been a long week, and a slow recovery for our girl. She is still so tired and uninterested in her usual favorite activities. Ava has been a trooper. She was SO bored this week. We stayed home all week just to be sure no one else was sick and because we didn't want to possibly spread anything. Sharing is NOT caring in this circumstance. 

She got to meet the dog my brother is taking care of for 6 weeks for a friend. This girl is an animal lover! I can't remember the dogs name for the life of me, but Ava talks about it all the time. Mommy fail moment. Owen had a rough few days, maybe because things were crazy around here for a while. But I swear that little dude is getting cuter by the second!       

                                                

It was a LONG, emotional week for us. I am glad things have wound down and everyone else stayed healthy and Oli is on the mend. I had a conversation with Daniel at one point this week regarding some nostalgia I was feeling about how my relationship with God used to be. How it was when Daniel and I first met, when I was interning at our church and trying to figure out God independently. I was constantly learning new things and going deeper into the word. As of today, in my life now, with 3 kids, its victory to even find my Bible. Ava likes to carry it around and pretend its her "pretty book" while talking in a British accent. I can't complain, it's outrageously cute. But non the less, my spirit is thirsty for new life and fresh discovery of Gods word. Daniel listened intently to my thoughts and desires and encouraged me to fight for time whenever I could. But something hit me a few days later as I did find a spare moment to read the Word of God. Psalm 51:

As  I read through those verses something stuck to my heart that I thought about for the rest of the week... The thought of God not wanting sacrifice, but a spirit that is broken and needing to be put back together by Him. My relationship with God can not be limited to or categorized by the number of times in a week that I have deep devotional readings and exploration of the Word. And that's not what He wants from me. He wants me to be broken before him. Unable to carry the load of being a mother, especially in difficult times when kids are sick or needy. When I can't find the desire or strength to pick up another toy or clean another dish, lay my sad broken spirit at His feet. Let Him do with me what He pleases. Make me into the mother and wife, the daughter, the friend, He wants me to be. Lucky for me, I have a God that continually reminds me of his Love and Thoughtfulness for me. Thank you God for refreshing my soul with your insights. 

Grace & Peace

Owen Daniel

I would like to introduce you to my son,

Owen Daniel Horning.

Born on March 17, 2013 at 12:52am. He was 8lbs 8oz and 20.5" long. 

Owen is such a dream. He is a wonderful addition to our family. Ava & Olive are so in love with their new little brother, They run to his side whenever he cries and shower him with hugs and kisses all day long. My delivery of Owen was a whole new experience for me. Even though he is my third child, he is my first one to be delivered with no medication to induce labor. Both of the girls were induced and I had an epidural. I labored for 12 hours with Ava and for 6 With Olive. My prayer throughout this third pregnancy was that God would let me experience labor on my own and I wouldn't have to be induced. I wanted to know that my body could do it on its own. And here is how the story goes...

The two weeks leading up to Owen's birth were spent cleaning, organizing, gardening, cooking, and doing anything else that would keep me busy. As my due date began to creep closer my mind would wonder to places of defeat and frustration, I had already given into the idea that I was going to be induced. My hearts cry to God was that I would go into labor on my own and I would pray every day that He would let it happen. Every night when Daniel would rub my feet I would pour my heart out to him and try my hardest to better explain my desire. I felt silly wanting labor so badly. I knew that either way I would end up with a sweet new baby and that I would labor for hours whether with Pitocin or without. 

There was a particular verse that I would say in my mind whenever I would pray about it. " For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) I would meditate on that verse and try to remind myself that God knew exactly how he wanted Owen to come into this world. 

On Saturday March 16, (One week and one day before my due date) my parents came over to help us get some house projects done. Daniel built a fence in the front yard, my dad did some electrical work, I organized in the house, and my mom gardened. At one point in the early afternoon I went out front to see how everyone was doing and sat down on our walk way. As I talked with my mom I began weeding in between some of the Paver Stones lining our walk way. It was really awkward and uncomfortable to lean over my giant belly and get down to those weeds, and I remember looking up at my mom and sarcastically saying, "Well, if this doesn't put me into labor than nothing will!" Little did I know, I was only hours away from the beginnings of labor. 

As late afternoon came around and we had all showered and cleaned up from the days work I was beginning to notice that I was "cramping". They would come and go and were getting stronger each time. I thought it might be labor, so I quietly packed mine and Daniel's bag for the hospital. We went to my parents house for dinner at 5:30pm and I had a good friend who was visiting from out of town stop by to say Hi. As time went on at my parents and the "cramping" continued and intensified I began to wonder if I was indeed in labor. Around 6:30pm I was contracting every 10 minutes. I told my mom what I was feeling and asked if she thought I was in labor. Her response, "Maybe?" Gee, thanks Ma! I was hoping for a little more affirmation. But in the next 45 minutes sitting outside it was evident that the time had come! Daniel and I took our girls home and did their normal bedtime routine, with occasional breaks for me leaning against a wall or dresser trying to breath. We got the girls in bed and I began to gather last minute things and clean the house. Although, looking back I wasn't really cleaning, I was just carrying things around and setting them down somewhere else. My contractions were about 7 minutes apart and getting more intense. Even during contractions I was trying to talk myself out of labor. I was so worried that it was just a false alarm and my contractions would stop. I didn't want to get my hopes up. Around 9:15pm as I was laying down I had a contraction that made me realize it was "go time". I looked at Daniel and told him it was time to go. We excitedly scrambled to get stuff together, my parents came to stay with the girls, and off we went to have our son.

Once arriving at the hospital they took me to what they call the "Prove It" room, where they check to see if you're actually in labor. I was at 7cm. Go time!!!! They put in an IV and rushed me off to a labor and delivery room. After getting situated in our room and finishing all our paperwork around 10:30pm my nurse came in and asked if I wanted an epidural. And there it was, the million dollar question! I hadn't decided if I wanted one or not. I knew I wanted one if I had to be induced, but to my surprise I went into labor on my own. I turned to Daniel and asked him what I should do and he lovingly said that it was up to me. I looked at my nurse and told her I wanted to wait and see how far I could make it on my own.... Little did I know there was no turning back!

My contractions intensified quickly. In between contraction my nurse repeatedly complimented Daniel on his glorious beard and reminded me while in pain more than once that I had a hot husband... It was funny, but very true! By 11:15 I was doing the crazy lady moaning with each contraction. I remember looking up at Daniel and the nurse Jewel and apologizing for being one of those weird ladies you see in the birthing videos. They both laughed. By 12am I thought the world was going to end. My contractions were so intense and so close together I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. They lasted for over a minute but were only 45 seconds apart. It got real crazy real fast. In those last 52 minutes of labor, when I was at my weakest, in the most pain of my life, I leaned on Daniel for physical and emotional support. He was incredibly kind and reassuring in the moments when I felt like I couldn't go on. He reminded me that if I could just keep going I would get to hold my son. He was right, and it was so worth it. At 12:52am Owen Daniel was born. He was perfect. 

Daniel and I don't name our children until after they are born because we want to see them first. Naming our son was the most difficult of our three children, but so special for me. I knew I wanted him to have Daniel's name, because of how wonderful he was to me during my labor and delivery. 

Owen means "Well Born" and Daniel means "God is my judge".

I didn't plan on it and I don't know if I could do it again, but having a natural delivery was an incredible experience. Being that aware of what is going on is both excruciating and invigorating. Owen's birth story is unique and new to me and I wouldn't change it.

Grace & Peace

Tangled Thread

  While Ava took her afternoon nap today I decided to be productive and finish one of the 900 projects I've started. (ok, maybe there aren't 900- but there are at least 9!) The project I chose to tackle today was a stuffed owl I wanted to make for Ava. I had made one for my niece for her 2nd Birthday back in September and started Ava's at the same time. It was a twin owl, cousin, i love you thing. There is a lot of hand stitching involved in this project. Lots of layers and I use a super thick thread, made for hand stitching. I did the small hand stitching parts first to get them out of the way. When I had finished with that and moved on to the more intensive hand stitching parts I needed a lot more thread. As I began to sew I was getting into a rhythm and then the thread stop short. I turned the owl over and saw a huge knot. I didn't understand how it could knot, but it did. I got it out and continued on, only to get another knot after a few more stitches. This continued to happen every 4-5 stitches. I was getting a little bit irritated. 

  Then I felt like God said" You're getting caught up in your own thread". I sat there for a minute just staring at the needle and thread, slightly shocked that God used sewing as an example and also trying to figure out what that meant. Here's what I arrived upon. Our lives are a long thread. We sew and get into a rhythm of things, and then we let ourselves get upset about something we don't have control over, or we are envious of something we don't have, or wish we were somewhere else. Every time we focus on one of those tings we get a knot in our thread. Causing us to stop and untangle ourselves, hopefully learning the lesson we needed to. But all to often after getting back into our rhythm we are in a knot over the same thing again. 

  I need to focus on the important things and find a good rhythm. Trying every day not to get caught up in another knot. I hope you can find your rhythm.

Living In Love

This morning on our way to work Daniel and I drove by a car with a sticker on the back window that read,
"Live in Love". We both agreed that it was a cool sticker. But after the car was long gone, there was still something left lingering in my head... I wondered if the sticker was in reference to 1 John 4:16 "...God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in Him."
Daniel and I memorized a chunk of 1 John 4 when we were dating, and that verse was in there. I have forgotten most of what we memorized, except for that verse. It always felt so sweet to say. Almost like you were getting a taste of what it would be like if you did Live in Love.
I began thinking about that statement, Living in Love, and whether or not I am. I instantly went with a "NO" because I think I was trying to be Humble. Who I was trying to impress I don't know, maybe the narrator in my head. Then I truly thought about it, and I concluded on a "Sometimes". I am not quick to love people. People are frustrating for me. I am someone who truly enjoys being alone. Sitting in busy places is fun, then I can just watch people and the strange things they do. I like to go to the Movies alone, which is sad for Daniel. I realized that when it was convenient for me I was Loving. Sometimes I walk by a homeless person and think, "What's your story? What's your name? I have no money, but i have a granola bar and some time. Can i sit and talk with you?" Other times i think, " Lazy! You don't even look homeless, you must be scamming me. I don't feel bad for you, you can get a job."
I used to make the excuse of being emotional, and as my emotions changed, so did my response to things. But now i see that it was just a poor attempt to justify my lack of Love for people. Jesus probably had days where He was feeling emotional, but I highly doubt that made him walk by a Widow, Prostitute, or Paraplegic, and not Love them and help them.
The hardest part of this Jesus inspired revelation is the self reflection that comes along with it. Realizing the people I have not been loving, and the instances where I was not showing Love. It's easy for me to use my desire to be introverted as a scape goat for not showing Love. Feeling like I am entitled to be quite and not talkative because I like having silence. It's not about me though. It's not about what Samantha wants, it's about how Samantha can make someone feel Loved even if she doesn't want to. It's about trying to grasp the Jesus concept that other people come first, that we are less then others. Selflessness. I know it's something that I need to work on, and I am realizing this isn't going to be one of those realizations you have that you never put into action. Becuase if I am not living in Love, than I am not living in God, and I am terrified of that thought. I don't ever want to see or experience what life would be like not Living in God and His Grace.

Is Jesus a Rebel

I am in the middle of a 90 day study about Jesus. It started with His birth and now I am looking at His life, and some of the miracles He did. I have been reading things in the gospels about how the Pharisee's would come watch Jesus to see if he would break the law, and He did. He continued to heal people whether or not the Pharisee's thought it was right. So i have been wondering, Is Jesus a Rebel?
So here comes question number one; Is Jesus a Rebel because he blatantly breaks the law of the Sabbath? I believe so. He knows the things the law forbids you to do, but He does them any way. The difference i think is that Jesus wasn't Rebelling just to Rebel, He was Rebelling because He knew He needed to heal people. He needed to show people that He was God and that he did care about them. So is being a rebel WITH a cause ok?
Along with my 90 day study I am meeting with a group of other believers every two weeks to discuss what they have been realizing or thinking. This topic came up the last two times we met. Someone brought up a good point, when you hear the word Jesus, the first thing you think of is not usually the word Rebel. Yet, the young adult movement that is happeining in Chruch's is saying that He is. Are people saying that so they can relate themselves to Jesus, because in fact they are Rebels? Or because they really believe it?
My second question is this... Is Jesus even rebeling if He is the one to wrote the Laws? God gave the Jews specific laws to follow, observing the Sabbath is one of them. So if Jesus decides to break one of his own rules does that make Him a Rebel? Or does that just mean the rules have changed? Now, i am not in any way calling Jesus a hypocrite for making a rule and then breaking it. I am simply looking at the situation for what it's worth. Rules and laws need to change, it's inevitable, it's the natural progression of society. Women voting, abolishing slavery, and giving people the freedom of religion (that's a topic for another day), are all good examples of how Laws have changed for the good. We need that. So was Jesus rebeling to change the laws and minds of people?
Ultimately i don't know the answer to my own questions, but i am glad that I am in Love with a God who is exciting and is a risk taker. So i guess i could say that Rebeling for Jesus is a good thing. Rebel against popular belief that Christians hate Homosexuals, because I know that i don't. Rebel against the idea that if you are a Christian you are not able to have fun and live a fulfilling life, because i do. And rebel against the notion that God is outdated and un relateable, because the God i serve is radical and life changing.

Peace.