Saturday, May 18, 2013

But Am I Searching

It is still astounding to me how high and low my emotions can get in the matter of minutes regarding my kids. There are times when I am so overwhelmed with love and joy that I feel like I could pop. Then there are also times when I get so frustrated that I want to slam my head into the wall. (You probably think I am over exaggerating about wanting to slam my head into the wall. I assure you, I am not.) My child induced emotional highs and lows came to a head the other day in what I consider now to be a funny situation. However, in the moment, "funny" would have been the last word I used to describe it.
  So here are the things that happened. In order:
1- Terrible nights sleep. Owen was like a baby vampire who wanted to eat non-stop
2- Olive woke up on the wrong side of the bed. And by wrong side, I mean, continents away. Galaxies away.... She was ANGRY! She literally screamed non stop, all morning.
3- Ava decided that she would begin her quest of self awareness and all together stop listening to anything and everything I said.
4- My kitchen smelled awful and I could not figure out why. (It turned out to be a rotting Pear that was in the fruit bowl on the counter. YUCK!)
5- We had a weird swarm of tiny little flying beetle bugs that were covering the side of our house and shed.
Here's where it all went down hill... Olive's screams wore me down and Ava's bad listening made me angry. So, when one of the tiny little fly bugs ended up inside I wanted to take my anger out on them. I went outside without a plan, but convinced I could get rid of them by some act of will. As I stomped my feet out the side door and over toward the cluster of them a carpenter bee dove bombed for my face!!!
** Now friends, let me inform you of the terror that is a Carpenter Bee. They are GIANT black bees that fly in an erratic pattern searching for flowers. Meaning, they fly around like maniacs and dive for my head. I hate them. They are awful, and every time I see one I either scream or run.**

After the bee dove for my head I ran inside and broke down. All out ugly mom cry. Olive continued to scream, Ava kept asking me questions, and poor Daniel was so confused. In that moment when I wanted to bang my head into the wall I asked Ava to sing Jesus Loves Me. I don't know why. I just did. After she finished I started singing this song. " Lord you have my heart. And I will search for yours..." There was something that happened to my spirit when I sang Praises to God. It calmed me.
  It wasn't until later that I realized the significance of the song I sang. Those words that I unknowingly professed... God has my heart, and I need to be searching for His. Because when I do, like in that crazy moment of anger, He can do miraculous things. It may seem silly to you that just singing a song can change your whole day, but let me tell you, it isn't silly at all. It is amazing. I wasn't trying to have a deep devotional time with God, or even meet with Him at all. I was just trying to control my temper and keep my heart in check. He met me where I was and used the circumstances of my day to teach me something. Even the smallest gesture, if I reach out for God, He meets me there.

Grace & Peace

2 comments:

sarah said...

This is such a great post! You must be an amazing mom. I have three small children as well and I feel the only thing that gets me out of those moments is seriously worship and reaching out to God, even if I dont want to. Thanks so much for sharing!

Duane said...

Wowzer your my hero. Thanks for sharing!

Thanks for checking out my blog. The writings found on these pages are just sincere thoughts, questions, and feelings I have about life, God, and banana slugs.